Mind blank for a title
Often my blogs were so interesting but lately, I’ve been without things to do so there’s not much entertainment here. I’ve had some certainly odd dreams worth blogging about but I’m even drawing a blank right now as to what those were.
On Tuesday, I’m actually *shudder* going to go over to Neal’s (my baby’s father) to hang out for a short while. I have no idea how that’s going to work out because we’re known for our amazing ability to fight. His lack of maturity tends to drive me insane and he realizes it and knows what buttons to push. That’s my weakness, I tend to be easy to figure out. I’m not sure why I’m going over there, maybe it’s boredom or just sheer curiosity but either way I’m taking that crazy step.
I read two books in the past two weeks, Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (yes, I’m behind on the Harry Potter series). It’s been my new passion because most things on TV just aren’t entertaining anymore. Those baby shows are really good, sometimes they scare me and other times they make me cry. It’s so surreal that in just under four months, I will be the mother to a tiny newborn baby girl. I don’t think I ever could have foreseen me here and now. I had so much hoped to be married before pregnant but things happen. I have no doubt that I can do it, it’s just frightening to enter into this hardship without much help. Neal asked again if he can be at the hospital when she’s born, but that’s the only mention he made of her as much as I’ve mentioned her in my e-mails to him. I really don’t think he’ll be doing too much to be involved after she’s born, he’s too into his night life. I found something today on his MySpace which I was hoping would be proof enough to keep him from getting visitation rights on his own (even though he says he doesn’t want them, that he’ll be fine with the supervised visitation I told him he can have). The caption on the picture says “I was so high that night”.
We have such a love-hate relationship. I’ll hang out with him here and there, no big deal, but when it comes to our daughter, I’ll stop at nothing to keep her safe. He is not father material and I’ll stop and nothing to prove that to anyone who will listen, especially the judge who decides what rights he gets. I really think that I do hate him but I feel this binding necessity to try so hard to make a friendship work. Sometimes I feel like I’m even delusional enough to think he’ll grow up but that’s just an irrational thought, some people never grow up and unfortunately, I worry that’d be him. I am so so so against drugs and always have been and I think that’s my biggest issue with him. He always tells me he’s stopped but I know he hasn’t, his best friend is the biggest pothead ever who just graduated high school so they’re together 24/7. He told me he got a job, but I knew that was a lie too. I really need to remember to ask what the rules are for child support not being paid.
Anyway, on a less miserable note, I have been feeling alright lately. I’m pretty used to the boredom by now and I tend to look forward to getting Internet, it’s helped me meet a couple people. I really think I’ll have a girlfriend soon, so that will definitely keep me busy and happy, give me something else to talk about besides my baby because I think people are getting sick of hearing about it heh. I think I’m out of things to say, nothing else to report. 
Leave a Reply