If you have to ask yourself, the answer is no but if you’re asking, it must be close.

I was going to begin this by saying that I’ve been better lately than the last depressed blog but I actually haven’t, I just feel that way right now. That’s why I prefer being in relationships because when you’ve got someone, you forget that you were ever sad…and that’s how I feel (even though I’m not in one, haha). I’m listening to all the happy, lovey-dovey songs on my “Softer Songs” play list. Damn, I hate mushy stuff but it makes me feel…high, haha. It has songs on it like Savage Garden’s “I Knew I Loved You”, Lion King’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”, and Backstreet Boys’ “I’ll Never Break Your Heart” HAHA!! How embarrassing. *Gasp* Microsoft just informed me that I have been spelling embarrassed wrong for like, my whole life! I’m usually such a good speller! Anyway, that’s not interesting or any less embarrassing so I’ll move on…Have I mentioned that Gary lives with and takes care of his grandmother? Well, he does. She has Alzheimer’s Disease and Gary is the sweetest guy to set his life aside to care for her and I think it makes him a very strong (which is a masculine trait, by the way, ahem!) person as well. Unfortunately, though, last week she went into the hospital. She’s going to be okay and she’ll be out on Friday so I feel less guilty in saying that I have completely been taking advantage of that and have seen Gary a lot this week. I slept over twice, with the baby of course. By the way, I also don’t know if I mentioned that it’s been two months since we started hanging out and we still haven’t had sex. I’m pretty sure I want to and I’m positive that I need to but Gary’s opposed. Someone talk to him for me, haha. We saw ‘I Am Legend’ this week and I want to say that it was a great movie but why the hell didn’t I hear that it was a “zombie” movie? I use quotes around zombie because Neal insisted that I not say they are zombies, they are mutants. Either way, I think I missed that detail and it really scared me! Gary too, haha. This whole week has been really fun though, Gary even rode his bike over here to see me today.

I need to start exercising. It isn’t like my body is completely not used to exercise but I definitely haven’t had any almost since I got pregnant. After moving out of Neal’s and him letting my fucking new bike get stolen, I haven’t had a bike to ride and my mom had insisted that I didn’t rollerblade while pregnant in case I fell. I want to get another bike because that’s pretty much an all-weather form of exercise but I really don’t have the money right now. This town is so crappy, there really aren’t any good places that I can walk around conveniently or rollerblade, like on a track. During my pregnancy, I gained 34 pounds and have already lost 22 pounds but those last several are still driving me crazy because I wanted to get down below my pre-pregnancy weight as it is. I’ve become a hypocrite because I always talk about how I think girls bitch about being fat so that someone will compliment them but I swear that that isn’t what I’m doing, I really just don’t like where I’m at right now and I hope I get back to normal even more for the reason that I hate sounding like a typical chick with the “I’m so fat!” bullshit.

Hayley and I are still doing okay together and she’s happy and healthy. My mother is doing a bit of acting like Hayley is hers and it is annoying me a bit, but I’ll live for now. I got my first critique from a random stranger at Wal-Mart yesterday, some older black woman who worked there came up to me and told me that I “better put something on that baby when you go outside” because I had forgotten to bring a blanket but we weren’t going to be outside long so I figured she’d be fine for the thirty seconds it takes to walk from the car to the store. I was pissed as hell but I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Okay, Mom,” as she walked away. The teens I was with are having a baby in half a year so they were automatically considering what they plan on saying to any nosey asshole who tells them what to do with their kid, they were shocked that I didn’t say anything bitchy back to her but I probably would have if I wasn’t so shocked that someone would get in a stranger’s business like that and especially in such a demanding and rude way. I don’t understand why people lack manners so much these days, my mother taught me those well!

I had a little breakdown this week. When my mother and father split, it was because my mother moved out and we later found out she had been cheating on him even though she claimed she wasn’t. Back then, I was not very happy about all of that so I made their lives a living hell. Well, one day I had gone through my mother’s pictures in her drawer and found one of her now husband only wearing a blanket and the date on it read before my mom had moved out, so it was proof that she was cheating. I took the picture and gave it to my dad and it caused hell among everyone. For some reason (I know the reason: a juvenile thirst for instigating arguments in one’s lazy life of boredom), Dan decided to bring this up and I asked him to please drop it because it would just start trouble and he just kept talking. I asked my mom to stop him and she wouldn’t say anything and he just kept telling me to shutup. My mom tried to tell me yesterday that he doesn’t understand, she doesn’t want to get involved, and that he felt bad. I’m certain that he doesn’t understand and that she doesn’t like to get involved (because he usually ends up making her defending me a huge deal and she always ends up wanting to move out) but I can bet that he doesn’t feel a bit bad. He instigates on purpose, he usually laughs when he’s trying to upset me. My mother may have done better than my father this time around, but not by much. She can do so much better but she truly doesn’t believe that chivalrous, REAL husband-type men exist. I think the problem is that my mom wants a guy who can drink and smoke with her but will also help out around the house and she doesn’t think that they both can fit into the same person. Her husband always just comes home from work and plays video games or watches TV and he always has excuses for not doing anything. She says that she thinks he enjoys babysitting but he did once and he called us asking when we would be home because he needed to “pay bills”, which turned out to mean play video games because he never even walked into the room the bills are in. Maybe she’ll do better the next time around because I’m slightly betting and hoping that she tries again in like five to ten years.

Boy, I wish I knew the exact day that I stopped talking to my father so I could celebrate it. So many times I’ve wanted to sever ties with his half of the family but I always end up feeling like I should be talking to them. It’s been almost nine months since we last spoke. He has missed my 20^th birthday, 2007 Christmas, and most importantly, the birth of my daughter, his first biological grandchild. I’m hoping for him to one day really regret it and feel bad, am I bad for that? I’m such a vindictive person and there’s nothing like having something feel guilty about something they can never fix! Hehe. I have to make sure I get to college this year, mostly for me, but also to rub in his face that I can have a child and make something of myself.

Honestly, I don’t know if I should put any of this in here. As I said before, I don’t want to be judged and most of all, I don’t want someone to try to take my baby away either. This is my blog, though, and I don’t feel as though I should hide things because the point for me really is to vent to friends since there aren’t really many people to talk to. The cutting desire has come back and strongly. It feels regular, like the addiction did. Even during a good mood, I wanted to do it which is only a feeling I got when I was severely addicted. I haven’t touched a blade, except to cut my cuticles, but it really bothers me that the need came back. Suicidal thoughts have come too but I don’t really worry about them because I have responsibilities and there still aren’t painless and sure-fire (by the way, Daniela if you’re reading this, I looked up sure-fire and it definitely is a word!) ways to do it, which is what always stopped me in the past. Today I haven’t felt sad so I’m really not even bothering with it, as a matter of fact when I’m happy I feel like I’m a different person because I can’t even think clearly about how I think and feel when I’m not happy, how odd. Best to change the subject since I’m lost now.

I haven’t had Internet in since last week, maybe even sooner! When I’m actually online, it’s because I was at Gary’s. It isn’t like I have a huge chunk of time to sit online like before but still, it’s nice to be able to update but stealing Internet isn’t all that reliable. Blargh! Ah well, it’s time to get ready and go to the store with my mom. I haven’t slept all night so I’m probably going to end up crashing today but I’m supposed to be hanging out with Gary at some point and possibly sleeping over so I think I need to take up coffee drinking. We’re also going to spend New Year’s together and I’m actually considering drinking, that’s probably not a great idea but I think I need to learn to improve my ability anyway because I can’t be afraid to drink for the rest of my life. Most of it doesn’t taste good so I usually don’t like to drink but sometimes I just want to because I can and because part of the way I act when I do is really fun, hehe.

~ by femaleparadox on December 30, 2007.