Three words that make me crazy?

I envy him. I thought about this in the shower today, one of two times my mind always races. Often I am brought back to thoughts of my friend Eric Pataky and every time I feel envious of him. I know it makes me sound crazy saying that but it just seems so much easier than waiting and trying for life to be the way you want it to. I envy him even more because it’s too late for me to opt out like he did now that I’m responsible for another person. I’m not depressed, don’t misunderstand me, I don’t know…I just wish it was that easy.

I’ve been happy lately, a little more bi-polar, but happy. Hayley is starting to laugh and play with things, it’s so cute.

I’m searching for a job and almost had the perfect receptionist 9-5 job but my fucking driving anxiety->lack of driver’s license made in impossible. The anxiety really has gotten worse, and that is the main reason I have been completely backing off of getting a license. It doesn’t even feel like a fear a psychiatrist can help me with, it’s just severe nervousness!

Neal hasn’t seen Hayley since she turned a month old. He calls from time to time and asks when he can see her but then he just tells me about what he’s done lately and the funny thing is, his weekly activities always seem to be things that cost money so I don’t quite understand why that money hasn’t come to us. Hayley needs a swing that goes back and forth because he side-to-side one kills the batteries, and he keeps saying he’s looking but never comes up with a thing. He got a job working on the weekends and practically begged me to me proud of him and I told him that I wasn’t holding my breath that it would last and that working weekends is jack shit for someone his age. He’s like “It’s a start” and I said “No, I’m not lowering my standards for you just because you’re a low-level person. I hate when people do that. When my sister gets Ds, people are proud because she usually gets Fs, well fuck that. You’re 20, get a real fucking job.” And that’s that. Man, I’m constantly wishing that Brad or Gary would have been on the other end of this…they’re both 200% more mature than Neal. *Sigh*

Gary and I are doing well. Sometimes my mind is all crazy but mostly I keep that inside my head or in my blogs because I know I’m just a looney toon. Still I stand by that I think we will last a long time. It’s been four months tomorrow of hanging out (I use that as our date because I have no clue when we started acting like we were together) and normally, I’d have lost interest a month ago but I feel as new as ever. I’m just getting started driving this boy crazy.